Michael Hiller

Reconciliation Possibilities in Collaborative Law

2011-01-18T23:07:00.001-06:00

RECONCILIATION Through COLLABORATIVE LAW
Filed under: DIVORCE OPTIONS AND ALTERNATIVES
This blog post is from Michael A Hiller, board certified family lawyer, Texas board of legal specialization with Hiller & Assoc., P.C., a full-service family law firm serving the Houston, TX Metroplex, including Harris, Ft. Bend and Montgomery counties.
Can collaborative law help me reconcile with my partner?
It can give you a chance. Collaborative Law gives you a “peace tent” and therefore an opportunity to discuss reconciliation as well as divorce. Texas Law allows for a “discernment counselor”-that is, a counselor can be used by the parties to help them determine whether reconciliation makes sense for them. Although this Texas Family Code Statute has been around for a while, training for reconciliation counselors is limited. Currently there is a “Reconciliation Project” in Minnesota experimenting with this training. In Texas, there is no formal project but there are efforts being made by individual attorneys such as Steve Campos in Austin and myself. I am exploring training with Houston therapists at this time.
What are the major differences between reconciliation in Collaborative Law and in a traditional court case? In Collaborative Law, you don’t have the fear of a hearing coming down the pike or a judge not granting the counseling. You and your spouse can also take your time to decide, because you have two years to keep your case alive before it must be tried or dismissed. You don’t have the pressure of a quick trial setting, which will come in four to eight months in most divorce court cases. That can put a lot of heat on a marriage that is considering staying together.
Does my spouse have to want to reconcile too? Yes. Although some experts say it only takes one person to save a marriage, in collaborative law, each of you has equal bargaining power. At the beginning of almost all divorces, one partner wants the divorce and one does not or at least wants the divorce less. It may be that your spouse doesn’t want reconciliation now, but may be open to “discernment counseling” to see if an objective person thinks your marriage can be saved. But ultimately, it will take both of you to keep your marriage together.
Will all collaborative lawyers be familiar with these reconciliation techniques? No. This effort is new. If you or your spouse is interested, discuss this desire with your collaborative lawyer and have her contact Bill Doherty in Minnesota or me in Houston. But all collaborative lawyers should be willing to be open to the possibility. If there’s a multidisciplinary team, including a mental heath professional, have your lawyer discuss it with the full team. There is no ìone-size fits allî reconciliation, and these highly trained communication and financial coaches can be helpful.
There’s been an affair. Can I reconcile through collaborative law? Yes. Affairs are not death sentences to successful reconciliation. Affairs, although very hard on a marriage, are often a symptom not a cause. If you as a couple are willing to work though this difficult situation, your marriage can become the envy of your friends’ marriages. But it will not be easy. And if one of you is a sex addict, or has some other mental health problem, then that person will have their own therapy to do for perhaps a year before the marriage counseling can begin.
What if we find a reconciliation counselor or coach who says our relationship has a chance. Then what? If both of you are willing, a reconciliation counselor, or traditional marriage therapist can help. If only one of you wants to try to salvage the marriage, then you will likely end up pursuing a divorce. But if you are part of a community such as a church, mosque, or synagogue then that community may end up contacting the unwilling spouse to encourage marriage counseling itself. They may say “We heard that the discernment counselor said your marriage is retrievable; why don't you work on your marriage now?”
What if financial issues are our biggest problem? Will Collaborative Law give us a better chance than the courtroom for learning the skills to handle our financial disputes better? Why? Courts provide you virtually no opportunity to learn financial skills and the communication required to make those skills work. Some couples create a marital, or “post-nuptial” agreement that includes not only financial matters, but also agreements on how to work on and maintain the marriage. The collaborative process provides an excellent opportunity to negotiate such an agreement. See previous blogs on this site for more information on “interest-based negotiation” used in collaborative law.
Can family violence be looked at in the reconciliation/collaborative model? Perhaps. Family violence varies greatly from one family to another. But keep in mind that family violence, especially physical or sex abuse can be very serious and you should proceed very cautiously if you want to stay together. The victim of family violence has every right to pursue the divorce and should never be talked out of it.
If I am interested in reconciling with my partner. . .Why is collaborative law better for me? Because if you have come this far your partner probably wants the divorce. If you go to court, you will likely lose almost all chance of keeping the marriage together. Most judges know almost nothing about reconciliation, and once the cycle of poor communication and conflict management is made worse by litigation, there will likely be no way back. Unless the Texas legislature enacts legislation requiring marriage education in almost all divorces, collaborative law will probably give you the best chance to make your marriage work. And most importantly, collaborative law gives you an excellent opportunity to create a "marriage contract" or even a temporary order that sets out what work you will do on the marriage. For example that contract can say that you will go to a particular marriage counselor for 90 days, for a total of 10 times. You can then return to your collaborative law setting to discuss how your reconciliation effort is going.
What if I just want a divorce, Collaborative Style? Then by all means, get one. Reconciliation is a very personal matter, as is divorce, and no one should make you stay with your spouse if you do not want to. Collaborative Law was developed to give you a more dignified way to get divorced, not stay together, and let’s not forget that. Working on your marriage is just an alternative to divorce, not a requirement.

9 WAYS TO REDUCE the pain & cost of divorce

2010-08-29T15:18:00.000-05:00

1. Consider filing for a divorce without a lawyer
You can file for a divorce without a lawyer in Texas. There are websites and books
that can show you how to do that. If you have no kids and no property, maybe
it’s a good idea. But if you have kids or property – one, two, or three children, car,
or bank account, or retirement, or home – you may want to think about hiring a
lawyer. Look, lawyers can be expensive, but they don’t have to be. The first way
to keep your lawyer’s cost down is to come to an agreement with your spouse.
Before that, I recommend a consultation – whether free or $300.00, that consult
is worth it. You will learn what to include in your agreement and what not to
include. Then you and your lawyer can agree on an uncontested “case fee.”
2. Know when to need divorce help from a lawyer
You want your divorce to be less of a negative impact on your children. Your kids
may not get the right amount of child support. For example, the child support
payor may be paid twice a month or bi-weekly, may have bonuses, may have a
new job. A lawyer can help you figure this out – you may be paying too much or
receiving too little. Your lawyer will know how to calculate child support. Being
off by just $20.00 a week can cost you thousands over the child’s life.
Your visitation schedule may not be enforceable. If your visitation, possession,
or parenting schedule is not specific enough, you and your ex may fight for years
and the judge won’t be able to help you. Your lawyer will know how to write up
the decree. In Texas it needs to be very specific.
Your home or other property may not be transferred properly. With real estate,
your decree or deed between you and your husband/wife will need to be recorded
at the courthouse. If you divide a company retirement plan, it will need to be
done by a QDRO, that is acceptable by the company’s retirement department.
These are just some of the reasons why you should seek a lawyer’s help if you have
kids or property. There are many others, including – getting help with moving
your kids to another state without your ex’s permission. Your decree has to be
written properly to protect you and your children so you can move or so your ex-
spouse can’t move your kids. So please consider a lawyer. The cost now will be
worth it later.
(Full Disclaimer - See Report’s Last Page)
3. Have your lawyer do a marriage contract and work on the
marriage for 90 days
Clients are often looking for a quickie divorce. Many of you want to know if you
can file your own divorce. But before you file at all – ask yourself – can my spouse
and I learn to get along? If your problems are mostly caused by one person’s bad
behavior – drugs, cheating, beating, you either need to end the marriage or THEY
need help. You can’t work on the marriage until that spouse solves that problem.
But if you have one of the usual 5 “hot button” problems – sex, family of origin,
work, money, and kids – then you need to learn skills-conflict management,
communication, and other healthy relationship skills – sign a contract with a
marriage educator to learn and practice these skills for 90-120 days. If your lawyer
can’t help you with this, then he or she is behind the times – for more information
contact Michael Hiller – “Reconciliation Law” creator. Your lawyer can be your
mediator to help keep the marriage stay together – he or she needs to be trained
in marriage mediation – they will sit with you and your spouse and become your
marriage coach and help you resolve your conflict and learn communication
skills. After a 10 hour session, or 5 two hour sessions, they will write up your plan
that can be followed up for 90-120 days. If your marriage doesn’t work out, have
them mediate the divorce. Your lawyer has now become your mediator and can
mediate the divorce if the marriage can’t be saved. He or she can help you come
to terms on all issues – and you don’t have to both have attorneys. When it’s over,
you can take your agreement to court for the judge’s signature. You want your
decision to be less of a negative impact on your children.
4. If you file for divorce, get to court quickly.
Too many people drag their cases out once the decision to divorce or go for custody
or child support is made, you want to get in and out of the courthouse quickly.
An uncontested divorce can happen in 60 days. Contested cases take longer.
But if you need a hearing, get to court quickly. Many cases require mediation,
especially in Texas. Get the mediation done ASAP, don’t let “discovery” bog you
down. (That’s why it’s called the “discovery money pit” – lots of documents and
requests go back and forth between the lawyers and not much gets done usually).

5. Try collaborative divorce.
If you own anything at all or have kids, consider collaborative divorce. Collaborative
law is when you, your spouse, and your lawyers agree that y’all will work together
to resolve your case. Your lawyers are committed to that concept. The case
doesn’t settle, the lawyers are out of a job – you have to get new lawyers – so they
won’t give up so easily. You and your spouse will have several sessions where
you decide on a temporary arrangement, a parenting plan, evaluate and divide
property. You may even have coaches that keep the peace and help you with
finances. These coaches can actually reduce the cost emotionally and financially
– they are less expensive than lawyers and are trained in communication skills
and finances. Complete disclosure and respectful behavior are required, so not
all parties can do collaborative law. Both clients must be reasonably honest to do
collaborative law.
6. If you have a custody case, have your lawyer set a hearing ASAP,
and get your case heard.
Again, cases tend to drag on and on. Judges go on vacation and clients wind
up in the hospital. You do need investigations and to discover things, but get to
the court as quickly as possible. If you can’t be heard that day, have your lawyer
reset the case. In Texas, the first hearing is really important, especially in divorces.
It often determines the final outcome. Custody cases can be very expensive.
Consider how bad your spouse is as a parent before fighting hard. Compromise
wherever you can, either through collaborative law or mediation. We even have
jury cases for custody in Texas, but they are expensive and time consuming, so be
sure you can afford them.
7. If you’re going to negotiate, set a time limit for the hours your
lawyer spends
Most clients want to resolve their family cases without going to court – but there
is a cost to the time your lawyer negotiates. Please be sure that you set a limit
on how many hours your family law lawyer negotiates. In all court cases, you
have the right to have your case tried, at least in Texas. You may have to go to
mediation, but even that can be half a day. Whatever you do, be efficient and
prepared.

8. Divorce, child support, and custody are major purchases. Decide
what you can afford and give your lawyer your budget.
Your retainer can be $1,500.00 to $15,000.00 or more. Some lawyers take a low
retainer then send you a huge bill. If all you can spend is $1,000, tell your lawyer.
If you want a big fight, be prepared to pay for it. Most divorce lawyers take credit
cards. Ask – “what is the most efficient way to get my case resolved?” – and insist
upon an answer. Communicate regularly about your case expectations and
budget. Try for a flat fee, or series of flat fees for different aspects of the case.
Be clear and have your lawyer be clear – and remember the better you and your
partner get along, even in a divorce, the lower your bill.
9. If you have tons of money, get a prenup, do whatever you want,
and and remember your kids.
Many wealthy people want good relationships, but are too busy to have them.
Money becomes the focus. There are romantic prenups, but your lawyer has to
know how to do them (you add “marriage booster” clauses). First, protect your
assets then provide for the non-married spouse – the longer the marriage, the
greater the provision. If you are very wealthy and live in Houston, TX, or any wealthy
city, you will likely go to a handful of powerful attorneys. But do they really have
your best interest at heart? Your kids’ interest? Do they do collaborative law? Do
they try your case for their fame and your fortune, or for your best interest? They
might be needed sometimes, but I fully recommend Collaborative law for wealthy
folks and anyone who has kids, property, and is reasonably honest.
Disclaimer:
This Report does not establish an attorney-client relationship, but instead provides general education and
information. Hiller and Associates only practices law in Texas. Any information provided may or may not apply
in your state or situation. To establish an attormey-client relationship with Hiller and Assoc., P.C., please contact
them directly through their website for a consultation and signed retainer agreement - www.hillerlaw.com

Divorce Options and Alternatives

2010-07-25T11:26:00.000-05:00

Many of you are familiar with the several divorce options for resolution, including “kitchen Table” negotiations, conference mediation, collaborative law, “peaceful divorce™”, and litigation. I have even discussed how a family lawyer can come to a therapist's or wealth advisor's office and help mediate or bring lawyering skills to resolve disputes. All these methods are referred to as “Divorce Options”.

For years many family lawyers have encouraged reconciliation. But how many of you are familiar with “Divorce Alternatives"? Two years ago, I introduced “Reconciliation Law”, a formal way for lawyers to be involved in the reconciliation process: a couple decides to create a contract or Court Order to work on the marriage. With the help of their lawyers, the couple sets out how long they are going to try to make the marriage work, with which couples and child therapist, and what issues they will each work on (a marriage treatment plan - but don't worry, you can still get divorced if your plan doesn't work out). I envisioned the courts getting involved, but the economy and other factors have kept the Texas legislature from reforming divorce laws.

During these two years, I have discovered a few colleagues who are working on similar projects. A group of lawyers from Minnesota, led by “Marriage Friendly Therapist” founder Bill Doherty, is working on reconciliation through collaborative law. They are experimenting with three kinds of coaches: “Discernment” Coaches, “Hopeful” Coaches, and “Reconciliation” Coaches. In another issue, I hope to give you more information and updates on that project’s development. Although I am a big Collaborative Law fan, most lawyers think that only a small portion of family law cases will become collaborative law cases, for a variety of reasons. It is thought that most cases will be filed and handled in a traditional manner for the foreseeable future – that is, they will face the possibility of trial, unlike collaborative law.

In this courtroom context, an Austin lawyer colleague began using “Pre-Divorce” and “Anti-Divorce” petitions a few years ago. I filed my first one a few days ago. Here’s how it works: The lawyer draws up the divorce petition just like they would any other, with one exception. The family lawyer states something like the following: “Marianne B. Happy files this petition not because she wants a divorce, but because she doesn’t. She believes in the importance of a good relationship between husband and wife, both for the sake of their children and for themselves. At this time the marriage relationship is in such bad shape that it requires serious work to restore the love, balance, success and fun that the couple once had. Marianne B. Happy is so Unhappy that the only way to get her husband’s attention is to file this petition. She asks Mr. I AM Happy to attend counseling and obtain relationship skills and work on various issues in the marriage. In the event that Mr. Happy refuses to work on the marriage, Marianne B. happy requests the court to order the parties to an HAMFT counselor to determine whether they have a reasonable chance of reconciliation. Ms. Happy further asks the court to set the time period from three to six months for the couple to work on the marriage.”

The petition continues to say that if the reconciliation effort is unsuccessful for whatever reason, that Ms. Marianne B. Happy requests the court to grant the divorce because the marriage DOESN’T have a reasonable chance of reconciliation. In law, coincidentally, this way of pleading, “ if we can’t get x, we’ll settle for y”, is called “pleading in the alternative”; hence the name “divorce alternatives” is perfect.

So what is “divorce alternatives” all about? From my perspective, it is combining the family relationship movement (see “Smart Marriages” website ), reconciliation law, Texas Family Code 6.505 (our marriage counseling statute), marriage and family therapy, and if necessary, divorce. The key is that one spouse is saying “I’ve had enough, if you don’t come to the table and work with me, this marriage is over.” Of course, therapists will applaud this development as a loving and reasonable approach to family and marriage issues. It not only gives the marriage a chance to get therapy, but also gives hope to children everywhere. Very few people anywhere would disagree that it is better for families to not have a divorce if there can be a modicum of happiness and workability. One additional benefit will be increased work for HAMFT Therapists.

One of my stated missions is for therapists and family lawyers to work more closely together. We all know that there has been a need for us to work more in harmony in divorce and other family cases for a long time now. And I think we will continue to do so as the “divorce options” movement grows. But I truly that the future is even brighter if we expand the lawyer’s role to include reconciliation efforts and “divorce alternatives”. That way a family lawyer can truly be a family lawyer, not just a divorce lawyer.

On a final note, there continues to be a need for divorce reform. The family code counseling statute is rarely used, and it is really a “discernment” statute. The statute actually says that the counselor is supposed to tell the court whether there is a reasonable chance of reconciliation. Only then is true counseling to begin. Regardless, I think that most divorce cases should have a counseling requirement. That is not the case now. Cynics among us lawyers believe that that this would be a “therapist lifetime employment” statute, but of course it is what many families need. The fact that it would provide more work for therapists is a good thing. And family lawyers feared their workload would diminish when mediation arrived, but their workload actually increased. If family lawyers get involved with these “Divorce Alternatives”, then the same will be true here. Then family lawyers would truly become FAMILY lawyers. Even if the divorce happens, there is a better chance of improved co-parenting because the parents tried to save the marriage, and the treatment plan will have helped them to work together for the kids sake. See other parts of this site for more information on litigation, collaborative law, and other divorce options and alternatives.

Michael Hiller, Hiller & Assoc., PC

713-784-9500; c-832-723-6600

mhiller@hillerlaw.com
www.hillerlaw.com

Collaborative Law

2010-04-26T18:36:00.002-05:00

is a great option for many couples considering divorce or other family matter.

Why you need a will

2010-04-23T20:15:00.002-05:00

Wthout one, the state of Texas will decide where your property goes.

CHEATER or SEX ADDICT?

2010-03-18T17:25:00.004-05:00

How do you know if your spouse is just a cheater or if he has a sex addiction? Should you handle it differently? Sex therapists report that no decisions should be made for one year, if you or your partner is a sex addict. But treatment should be sought for the sex addict and the partner. No work should be done on the marriage for one year, but also no divorce.

So if there is a valid diagnosis of sex addiction and you don't file for divorce, what do you do? A post nuptial agreement that includes financial protection clauses as well as provisions for both of you getting treatment is the answer.

Hiller and Assoc is actively pursuing sex addicts, spouses who've had affairs or their partners to represent. We can help you decide whether to file for divorce.

IN THESE UNCERTAIN TIMES

2010-03-11T12:40:00.000-06:00

WE GIVE YOU CHOICES, BUT WE HELP YOU DECIDE. ITS GOOD TO HAVE CHOICES, AS LONG AS YOU HAVE A TRUSTED LAWYER WHO CAN ADVISE YOU

WE GIVE YOU ADVICE

2010-03-11T11:54:00.001-06:00

We help you choose whether to divorce, and if you should go straight to court.

WE GIVE YOU ADVICE

2010-03-11T11:46:00.003-06:00

If you are reading this website, and thinking about divorce, then you are probably unsure of your next step. With our 3-track family law program, we can help you make the choice whether to divorce or not.

Not your First Rodeo?

2010-03-07T14:04:00.005-06:00

Second Marriages have a higher divorce rate than first. Hiller and Associates handles many 2d marriage issues, including post divoce custody cases, parenting time, child support, and prenuptials. We are completing a course that will help you recover from a divorce, prevent a 2d one, or get you out of a 2d marriage with less pain.

We also help you with your committed unmarried relationship cases, with or without kids.

Many of my cases begin with one ex annpouncing their engagement, when all hell breaks loose between those exes and their kids.

9 WAYS TO REDUCE the pain & expense of divorce

2010-03-07T12:19:00.007-06:00

1. have your lawyer do a marriage contract and work on the marriage for 90 days.
2. if your lawyer is a mediator, have him do a marriage mediation
3. If your marriage doesn't work out, have him mediate the divorce
4. if you file for divorce, get to court quickly.
5. Try collaborative divorce.
6. if you have a custody case, have your lawyer set a hearing ASAP, and get your case heard.
7. If you're going to negotiate, set a time limit for the hours your lawyer spends
8. Divorce, child support and custody are major purchases. Decide what you can afford and give your lawyer your budget
9. If you have tons of money, get a prenup, do whatever you want, and remember your kids.

High Net Worth Divorce

2010-02-25T11:21:00.002-06:00

At Hiller and Assoc, we understand and have experience handling the needs of high net worth couples and individuals. Whether valuing your businesses, homes, or other prized possessions; or fighting for you for your separate or community character, we can help you. Most high net worth clients want to go through litigation, although we give you the options of staying together, getting apart peacefully or fighting it out through the courts.

getting your child support

2010-01-23T10:09:00.002-06:00

My clients are more concerned than ever about getting or paying their child support. In the past, I have left it to them to set up their accounts after the case was over. Now with jobs being lost and income down for so many, we are helping clients more with setting up accounts and activating wage witholding orders. In Harris county, its usually as simple as filling out a focus form and activating the wage witholding order. The FOCUS form sets up the account at the Texas Disbursement Unit, and the wage witholding form causes the wgewitholding ORDER to be sent to the child suppport payor's employer. For more information on how we can help you, call 713-784-9500.

Collaborative and reconciliation Law

2009-12-12T17:11:00.004-06:00

Collaborative Law seems to be taking off in Houston. Its been here 10 years, but has been slow to take root. My experience tells me that its a better choice in most cases than litigation. If you and your spouse and the other parent don't cheat on your tax returns, then you are probably good candidates for collaborative law. And that probably includes most people.

The other exciting thing about collaborative law is that it gives you the best chance to stay together if either one of you are looking at that option. Right now, we are offering reconciliation coaches if either of you wants to work on the marriage.

Collaborative Law gives you the best chance to preserve your emotional and financial capital whether you stay together or not.

Its good for your kids too.

Tiger Woods - what about your family?

2009-12-01T09:27:00.006-06:00

We are looking for athletes and their spouses or partners to work on their relationships with us. We do marriage coaching. Of course we can do a friendly or not-so-friendly divorce, but I always recommend that couples look at staying together first.

I've been waiting for something to make me do what I've always wanted to do. Its now happened. Tiger Woods has slipped - not perhaps in his golf game but in his personal life. We do not know whats going on with Tiger but lets suppose that he and his wife Elin Nordegren are having problems. They have 2 young children. He is the world's richest athlete, she is a model. Do they love each other? Do they have the skills to have a good relationship, to be responsible parents? Are they willing to acquire them if not? (Never mind the legal consequences for possible criminal conduct for assault and interference with police investigation, that is not my area). Is he having an affair, and if so do they want to overcome it? Do they want a divorce, and if so will it be it be in a friendly manner? What is best for their kids?

Athletes and their spouses have a very high divorce rate and many have children and are not married to the other parent. No matter how much money they have many lose it before or after their career ends. They are under the public spotlight with much pressure to perform. They have the opposite sex throwing themselves at them.

Otherwise they are just like us.

Athletes , we want you to work with us- you take care of charities, what about your families?

Whats best for your kids is best for you and your partner

2009-11-29T21:35:00.002-06:00

A new approach about deciding whether to stay together or not - stay tuned

Problem Solving family law - PS Family Law explained

2009-11-27T11:23:00.006-06:00

What is PS family Law? My experience tells me that divorce and parent issues are social and financial problems. We lawyers often try to solve these problems with legal solutions. Those are necessary, but first lawyers should look at what problems there are and what solutions we can provide besides legal. For example, if a couple still love each other but fight a lot, then communication, conflict management and forgiveness skills are needed. If there are financial issues, then budget, investment and business skills are needed. A contract through reconciliation law makes sense, especially if there are kids.

If the love is gone and we can't help you get it back, then divorce or separation for unmarried parents is a likely solutution.

Then the question becomes - litigation, collaborative law, or cooperative law. Stay tuned for more on cooperative law.

see www.hillerlaw.com for more info.

P.S. Family Law - solving problems

2009-11-06T18:26:00.001-06:00

new creation this week! stay tuned.

3 track family law new site

2009-10-18T22:32:00.006-05:00

I am excited to announce our law firm's new website "http://www.hillerlaw.com" We offer our clients 3 choices - traditional family law litigation, collaborative law and reconciliation law. Please read through and give us your feedback.

Square Your Life

2009-08-04T11:50:00.007-05:00

Inspired by the company Life is Good and the non-profit "Do One Nice Thing", as well as my dedication to family, I am working on LifeSquared.org. It is based on 2 things: 1, that we need to make family our first priority, and 2, that organizations tend to take away from family time. Therfore, this organization will be unlike other organizations - it won't have meetings, it will only serve to inspire all of us to make time for those closest to us.

There will also be a corresponding LifeChampionSports.org for athletes and their families.

The plan is for these groups to be non-profit.

solving family and marriage problems

2009-07-25T10:39:00.006-05:00

As family lawyers, Shouldn't we be focused on solving problems? www.uptoparents.org lays out a 14-point plan for lawyers to follow when practicing "cooperative law". It is apparently being followed by 2 counties in Indiana. Whats great about this program is that it offers another good choice. Right now, in Texas, short of uncontested, its either collaborative law or litigation. With litigation, only if lawyers HAPPEN to cooperate will the clients have a chance of a problem solving process. With collaborative law, which I love, the parties give up their right to use THAT lawyer in court should the process fail. Plus, collaborative lawyers want the other lawyer to be someone they can trust, so there are several impediments to collaborative law.

I strongly advocate a bunch of us lawyers creating a "cooperative law" practice group here in Texas based on the 14 point program set out in www.uptoparents.org

BTW, a formalized "cooperative law" will give families another chance to incorporate reconciliation as a possible solution to their problems, whether married, with or without children.

Marriage help, marriage problems

2009-07-15T21:30:00.004-05:00

After months of research and experimenting, I am finally focused on Reconciliation Law as the primary means by which I can offer hope to the approximately 10% of couples who regret their divorce. Reconciliation Law involves a contract or agreed court order to work on the marriage for a time period. The marriage work can take any form, but teaching the primary relationship skills of communication, conflict management and forgiveness likely works best.

We are currently working on a training program which we hope to offer fall 2009, and welcome your interest and comments:

Reconciliation Law and Mediation(RL)
"The Third Track for Family Law"

Reconciliation Law and Mediation

Premises/Definition/Training/Uses

1. Premise – There is a strong national movement toward the improvement of relationships through “marriage and couple skills education” and the providing of skills toward reconciliation in other relationships. With that in mind, I have created a third track for family law I call “Reconciliation Law and Mediation”. This track goes along with Family Law Litigation and Collaborative Law as the other two tracks. Reconciliation Law and Mediation (RL) is not a completely separate track from litigation and collaborative law as RL can be used as an option in either litigation or collaborative law. If one party does not want the divorce, Reconciliation Law and Mediation gives that party a choice. From my viewpoint, lawyers need to be more involved in relationship education and especially couples’ voluntary reconciliation efforts. Finally, therapists maintain that contracts, and therefore lawyers, are needed for accountability for commitments that parties make in counseling and other marriage and relationship programs.

2. Theory and Practical Application – All lawyers need to encourage and facilitate reconciliation and relationship improvement wherever they can, but a new specific practice form is needed. On the other hand, divorce through litigation or collaborative law should always be available to couples.

3. Reconciliation Law and Mediation Procedures -

a. To be called RL, a “term of art”:

i. The parties and their lawyers and/or mediator create an agreement or order that requires the parties to work on the marriage or other relationship (during any crisis) for some stated period of time. All finances need to be reasonable disclosed. Although the Reconciliation Lawyer or Mediator can participate directly in the divorce or litigation process, they need to help their clients fulfill the agreement terms – for example, if the parties agree that the couple will attend 4 sessions over 4 weeks with a marriage counselor, then all parties need to follow through. The same goes if the parties decide on any major financial changes. The creating and attempt to follow the Reconciliation Agreement are the requirements that make the practice “Reconciliation Law and Mediation”.

ii. A lawyer or mediator must sign Participation or other agreement with the other lawyer and the couple committing to the process, which will require the creation and follow-through on a “marriage or relationship-booster” agreement.

iii. RL can work in a Family Law litigation, Mediation or Collaborative Law setting.

b. RLM ideally begins before the marriage but can also start during a divorce or other crisis and the parties shall sign a marriage or relationship contract which may include provisions for handling:

i. The ongoing relationship crisis;

ii. finances;

iii. children;

iv. whether to pursue the divorce or not;

v. Most important – accountability provisions so that couples keep their commitments to follow their agreements.

vi. marriage education (communication/conflict management and other skills of good relationships); and/or marriage and family counseling;

vii. If the marriage survives or in premarriage context, annual and periodic reviews – recommended for couples (marriage education and financial check-ups); additional check-ups with every major life-change (e.g., loss of job; change of career or routine; at end of first year of marriage, seventh year, empty nest; when each child is born; the death of any parent/grandparent, and so on.

viii. How the parties will handle conflict and communication as the need arises.

ix. Any other aspect of maintaining a healthy relationship and family, including romance, spiritual life, career, and so forth.

c. Litigation/Collaborative Law/Mediation

i. In litigation, motions may need to be filed with the court under the counseling provisions of the family code pending new legislation.

ii Collaborative Law principles can be used. The lawyers will need to amend their participation agreement to call for the creation and fulfillment of a Reconciliation Law and Mediation contract.

iii. The lawyer may play the role of mediator, working directly with the couple or with their Reconciliation Lawyers present.

3. To Become a Reconciliation Lawyer or Reconciliation Mediator, Training shall be required:

a. general family law and in pre and post nuptial agreements, basic estate planning, financial management and relationship education. Collaborative Law training recommended.

b. interdisciplinary work with therapists; marriage, couples and relationship educators; financial and mental health professionals encouraged in more complex and sophisticated situations (e.g., divorce is looming).

4. If the couple is in crisis -

a. the lawyers and mediators manage the conflict and create “urgent accountability contracts or orders;" can work with the courts if temporary orders for reconciliation are needed.

b. Couples and family counseling; marriage intensives/other marriage and family education; financial coaches are recommended.

5. RL can be used in non-divorce settings (e.g., post divorced parents continuing to fight for custody and other control), to help judges and parent coordinators have parties be accountable for their commitments; estranged family members such as a father and son; in family businesses and any partnerships and/or in a probate situation, for example.

To sum up, Reconciliation Law and Mediation is a process whereby lawyers and mediators are committed by contract to the voluntary reconciliation process of married, other couples and significant relationships. The agreement can start at the beginning of the relationship or at any other time, including when the relationship is in crisis. (Note, if the court orders an involuntary reconciliation process, and Reconciliation Lawyers or Mediators are involved, then it is hoped that any abused persons in relationships will be protected or excluded). These lawyers and mediators shall assist in the preparation of agreements or orders for these relationships that hold parties accountable for their “action plans” to maintain and improve the relationship. These lawyers and/or mediators shall work with all allied professional, including mental health, financial, clergy and the judiciary. The ultimate key is that, based on the parties desire to explore reconciliation, these lawyers and mediators have dedicated themselves first toward the improvement of and reconciliation of the relationship; and secondly to any other legal pursuits only after the parties, with lawyers’ and/or mediators’ help, have given their best shot at fulfilling the Reconciliation Law and Mediation agreement."

Of course it helps to have completed a successful case recently and we look forward to training other family lawyers in the fall. Many thanks to all those who have supported me, including Maggie Russell, Erin Kincaid, Brooke Burnett, Michael Smalley, Barry Kilgore, the entire Smart Marriages movement, Dani Halliburton, and of course, my wife Minette and my 3 children.

Life and Estate Planning

2009-07-04T10:08:00.002-05:00

when I first starting thinking about helping families beyond my family law practice, my concept was to offer estate planning along with helping couples prevent divorce with skills they need. Although we still do that, we are more encouraged by the prospect of helping those couples' kids with their relationship and lifeskills. stay tuned.

Marriage Education Works, esp with a Contract

2009-06-30T21:29:00.003-05:00

My marriage coach partner Dani and I are completing a successful series of marriage skills education with a couple whose marriage was in trouble. First another lawyer and I helped them do a "marriage booster" contract, then Dani and I delivered the marriage ed that the couple set out in the contract. I am amazed at how grateful this couple is from the help we have given them. They are convinced that the key to their success was the contract that committed them to work on the marriage. This success gives me the confidence to continue our program and to train other lawyers in the contract process.

Looking for a Few Good Men and Women

2009-05-16T15:43:00.002-05:00

We are loking for a few good male and female athletes to play golf. While promoting family time. We call it "9-hole life(tm)". All it takes is a commitment to play in our 9-hole golf tournament, followed by a 2 hours relationship skills course, capped by a "family picnic" for all participants and their families.

As a former bad golfer who couldn't play golf AND be with his family on weekends, I figured that golf takes 4-5 hours, not counting travel and rest time. Many families complain that they are golf widows and widowers. So why not cut the golf in half, and take the other 2-3 hours for your family?

I plan on practicing marriage skills every day

2009-05-09T23:01:00.003-05:00

Ok I admit it. I've been bettter at talking about marriage skills than learning and applying them. and I've been better at talking about others running away from practicing good communication in their marriage than doing my own communication with my wife. And worst of all, I've escaped over and over into creating another facet of our relationship programs for work instead of practicing what I preach in my own marriage. But BEST of all, I've realized it, and have committed to spending a few minutes every day reviewing basic reltionship skills - "LUV TALK", as the Smalleys call it - Listening, Understanding and Validating.

So all you bloggers and friends and twitterers out there, as we support, exchange and follow each other, please hold me to task to practice what I preach.

Planning is the real key

2009-05-09T11:25:00.002-05:00

One thing I've noticed in my extended family and family law practice is how few people plan ahead for anything. Oh the wealthy have money put away, but their kids are usually messed up, and don't have the money and relationship skills they need. Most of the divorces I've seen involve that same lack of planning. What does the couple want in years one, 2, 3, 5 and 10? How about 25, 50? How are they gonna get there?

Will anything help? I recommend our marriage* and family booster plan, along with estate planning. A couple and family can plan their estate, and teenage kids can learn how to choose a spouse, learn budgeting, plan their careers. We also offer relationship skills for the whole family. I don't hear too many family educators talk about planning.

Adult kids can avoid marrying a jerk or jerkette, and MAYBE the family will live happily ever after.

*("parenting" for unmarried couples)

making our marriage better

2009-05-08T00:29:00.003-05:00

my wife and i have a very unique marriage. we are both strong willed, dramatic, loving, but love a good fight - never physical thank G-d. We are both very responsible parents, and we've had to really work at our marriage. We DO have fun, but not all the time. Minette is a little resistant to learning marriage skills, and I'm not much better. She is very supportive of my efforts as a family lawyer to save marriages, but warns me not all should be saved, even for the kids.

We could have thrown in the towel many times, but always hung in there, and its gotten better every year. I think that every one knows at some level if they've married the right person no matter how rough it gets some time. how do you know? if only one of you can make the adjustment needed at that time, and things get better. and look at what you bring each other...the positives...also...do you get upset about the same things? if you don't and fight about that, see it another way - it may be good that you are upset about different things - thats what has saved our marriage - seeing the other person for who they are and not resisting, learning to love.

are you tough enuf for marriage?

2009-05-01T17:48:00.002-05:00

As a family lawyer, I can get you a divorce - thats easy for me at least. And you say its your only option? Can't get along with your wife or husband, so you want out. Again I can help you, no problem. And you say you'll be ok, and your kids will be as well. Maybe yes, maybe no. You, you'll probably marry the same person in a different body. Your kids might do ok if they get the right help. But the stats say no. Are you really just being selfish when you go for a divorce?

But what if your family lawyer could show you how to do a contract laying out how you're going to learn marriage and family skills that could save your marriage? What if there were a way to be selfish about your happiness and yet think about your kids, the ones who will really be hurt if you get a divorce?

True Family Lawyer

2009-04-25T22:55:00.002-05:00

I think a true family lawyer needs to be able to help a client with choices - for example, reconciliation, peaceful settlement, collaborative law, or litigation. A marriage booster(tm) marriage agreement, as an option, can help a couple with problems save their marriage.

peaceful family law litigation

2009-04-21T23:05:00.002-05:00

As I look at what families need in our family law system, perhaps the MOST important thing is a model for peaceful family law litigation. why? Because most couples will not choose collaborative law, and because uncontrolled litigation is destructive to families. Also, if couples are to be given a chance to reconcile, old fashioned litigation just about destroys that chance. i have been pushing my reconciliation law(tm) practice, which is important, but without keeping litigation under wraps, it probably won't work in those cases. Also, many couples who have children are not married, so something besides reconciliation law(tm) is needed. I am exploring a couple of models from Indiana that manage litigation. stay tuned.

I like litigating

2009-04-16T18:10:00.002-05:00

I just think that its bad for most families. Occasionally, there's a really good case where I think that its the only choice. In most family cases, thats where there is untreated mental illness or drug or alcolhol use, ususally demonstrated by bad behavior that is really hurting a spouse or a child. Those are the cases where divorce is probably justified or a post divorce or custody case where there has been no marrriage. Of course, I still prefer "peaceful" litigation, but sometimes the only choice is to hunker down, start strategizing, taking depostions and going to court.

marriage or divorce - your choice

2009-04-15T18:06:00.002-05:00

I propose that a couple go through our mental toughness for marriage program - then give yourselves 90 days for it to work. The program includes traditional marriage ed - conflict management, communication, budget, and forgiveness skills; and goals, focus, confidence and coping training - taken right from the world's greatest athletes' mental training and applied to couples.

Then, if you still want to get divorced, we'll do a divorce mediation for half the usual cost.

Mental Toughness for Marriage, Families and Children

2009-04-12T00:52:00.002-05:00

What does mental toughness have to do with marriage, families and children? Mental Toughness is from the world of sports and is best defined as "GFCC" - "Goals, Focus, Confidence and Coping". It is our unique family education program using traditional marriage and family skills education combined with mental toughness training. I believe that marriages and families and children need to set goals and learn how to focus, develop confidence, and cope. Contact us whether you are trying to prevent a divorce or strengthen yourself and your kids at the thought of going through one.

First Succesful reconciliation law(tm) session

2009-03-25T18:30:00.004-05:00

Last Friday we had the 1st successful reconciliation law(tm) session. Another lawyer, a couple, and I met for 2 1/2 hours to work on a post nuptial agreement and to begin marriage education. The couple reported that they had tried for 10 years to discuss budgets but could not do it without fighting. We taught them basic "customer and order taker" role playing and it worked! They reported that over the weekend they were able to continue to discuss their budget without major conflict. We are now working on a post nuptial agreement and a marriage education skills plan. We are very excited about this development. I would like to hear your feedback, whether from couples or professionals.

About Michael Hiller and Reconciliation Law

2009-03-23T11:31:00.004-05:00

I am Michael Hiller, Board Certified Family Law Attorney based in Houston, Texas. Practicing law since 1989, I received my education at Brown University and University of Houston Law Center. You may not be familiar with the different aspects of Family Law, so I'll outline a few of these here.

Traditional Family Law - This is the trial or setlement of cases (also known as litigation) involving such matters as divorce, property division, child custody, child support, adoption, paternity, protective orders, or other matrimonial matters. A peaceful approach emphasizes negotiating your case without the court deciding. Family Law also includes marital agreements (i.e. pre and post nuptials.)

Collaborative Law - The form of dispute resolution which removes the "win at all costs" approach from divorce. In this process, parties and their attorneys contractually agree at the outset to settle their disputes without going to court. Spouses avoid lengthy - and costly - "discovery" by agreeing to disclose and exchange all information required to make sensible and fair decisions. The result should be less expensive, less emotionally destructive, and more dignified resolution for more and more families.

When conflicted spouses enter into the Collaborative Law process their goals are to communicate honestly, focus on important issues, protect the children, discuss divorce issues only in a conference setting, and arrive at a final settlement out of court.

Reconciliation Law - The process where the couple creates a managed contract for themselves to work on their marriage for some period of time. How does it work? Your spouse wants the divorce but you don't (or vice versa). You can incorporate the resources necessary to do the work: Marriage and family therapists, spiritual leaders, marriage education, legal consultant, or RL mediator. Create a contract that outlines the specific issues to address and the timeframe you are willing to invest. You and your RL attorney and/or mediator oversee the process with periodic meetings. you will have the time to decide if the issues are being resolved or another course of action is required.

Contact Information:
Michael Hiller
Hiller and Associates, P.C.
Attorneys and Counselors at Law
1770 St James Pl, Ste 150
Houston, TX 77056
713-784-9500
mhiller@hillerlaw.com
www.hillerlaw.com

Working the House

2009-03-19T23:48:00.007-05:00

Here’s the link to the committee meeting as well as the handwritten version of my testimony. If you scroll across and go to 3 hours and 50 minutes of the committee hearing, that’s when representative Chisom, myself and others start testifying for the bill. If you would like to get involved, please let me know. This bill is good for Texas families, and will provide good work for Marriage and Family Therapists, lawyers, and financial professionals.

http://www.house.state.tx.us/committees/broadcasts.php?session=81&committeeC ode=330

We want to remind you that as Peaceful Family Law Practice Group (PFLPG) members and friends that Reconciliation Law™ is only one piece of peaceful practice, and it’s an important piece. We also want to remind you we’re still trying to work out the kinks with training and we’d like your feedback, particularly from the lawyers. At this time, I am training one lawyer at a time as he has Reconciliation Law cases. Regarding training for peaceful litigation practice, Michael is in touch with Judge Rynd and proposing to him that his court adopt as a pilot project programs that are currently being used in two Indiana counties that exemplify what peaceful litigation practice is.

Texas Lawyer Feature Article

2009-03-19T23:41:00.004-05:00

While we continue to do all kinds of regular and traditional family law we of course also offer Collaborative Law as well as something new I created called Reconciliation Law. We have started a group called Peaceful Family Law Practice Group which emphasizes peaceful resolution of cases whenever possible. While we continue to offer full litigation services for our family law clients we wanted you to know that we try to emphasize processes that allow couples, families and children to heal and move on in the best direction for them. The below link is an article featured in the Texas Lawyer about the first meeting of our practice group. Please enjoy and let me know what you think.

http://www.law.com/jsp/tx/PubArticleTX.jsp?id=1202428062902

New Law Launch

2009-03-19T23:37:00.002-05:00

I recently launched “Three-Track Family Law™” which is an emphasis on the Peaceful Settlement of Family Law Litigation, Collaborative Law, and the new third track, “Reconciliation Law™”, which I created. I am forming a practice group of attorneys and allied professionals (financial, mental health and family educators) to promote these three ways of practicing family law. My effort is motivated by the need for peaceful resolution of cases whether through Collaborative Law or not, and the public’s desire for a structured way to reconcile their relationships in marriage and families especially when children are involved.

We are not only planning a meeting, but want to create an organization, training, a newsletter, as well to work with the legislature. We plan to offer training in “Peaceful Settlement of Litigation” and Reconciliation Law™.

Welcome!

2009-03-17T16:38:00.002-05:00

Welcome to the Michael Hiller blog site, where you'll find all the latest information and research on the Family Law Practice. We will launch in full force soon, so be sure to check back for all new content!