Marriage help, marriage problems

After months of research and experimenting, I am finally focused on Reconciliation Law as the primary means by which I can offer hope to the approximately 10% of couples who regret their divorce. Reconciliation Law involves a contract or agreed court order to work on the marriage for a time period. The marriage work can take any form, but teaching the primary relationship skills of communication, conflict management and forgiveness likely works best.

We are currently working on a training program which we hope to offer fall 2009, and welcome your interest and comments:

Reconciliation Law and Mediation(RL)
"The Third Track for Family Law"

Reconciliation Law and Mediation

Premises/Definition/Training/Uses

1. Premise – There is a strong national movement toward the improvement of relationships through “marriage and couple skills education” and the providing of skills toward reconciliation in other relationships. With that in mind, I have created a third track for family law I call “Reconciliation Law and Mediation”. This track goes along with Family Law Litigation and Collaborative Law as the other two tracks. Reconciliation Law and Mediation (RL) is not a completely separate track from litigation and collaborative law as RL can be used as an option in either litigation or collaborative law. If one party does not want the divorce, Reconciliation Law and Mediation gives that party a choice. From my viewpoint, lawyers need to be more involved in relationship education and especially couples’ voluntary reconciliation efforts. Finally, therapists maintain that contracts, and therefore lawyers, are needed for accountability for commitments that parties make in counseling and other marriage and relationship programs.

2. Theory and Practical Application – All lawyers need to encourage and facilitate reconciliation and relationship improvement wherever they can, but a new specific practice form is needed. On the other hand, divorce through litigation or collaborative law should always be available to couples.

3. Reconciliation Law and Mediation Procedures -

a. To be called RL, a “term of art”:

i. The parties and their lawyers and/or mediator create an agreement or order that requires the parties to work on the marriage or other relationship (during any crisis) for some stated period of time. All finances need to be reasonable disclosed. Although the Reconciliation Lawyer or Mediator can participate directly in the divorce or litigation process, they need to help their clients fulfill the agreement terms – for example, if the parties agree that the couple will attend 4 sessions over 4 weeks with a marriage counselor, then all parties need to follow through. The same goes if the parties decide on any major financial changes. The creating and attempt to follow the Reconciliation Agreement are the requirements that make the practice “Reconciliation Law and Mediation”.

ii. A lawyer or mediator must sign Participation or other agreement with the other lawyer and the couple committing to the process, which will require the creation and follow-through on a “marriage or relationship-booster” agreement.

iii. RL can work in a Family Law litigation, Mediation or Collaborative Law setting.

b. RLM ideally begins before the marriage but can also start during a divorce or other crisis and the parties shall sign a marriage or relationship contract which may include provisions for handling:

i. The ongoing relationship crisis;

ii. finances;

iii. children;

iv. whether to pursue the divorce or not;

v. Most important – accountability provisions so that couples keep their commitments to follow their agreements.

vi. marriage education (communication/conflict management and other skills of good relationships); and/or marriage and family counseling;

vii. If the marriage survives or in premarriage context, annual and periodic reviews – recommended for couples (marriage education and financial check-ups); additional check-ups with every major life-change (e.g., loss of job; change of career or routine; at end of first year of marriage, seventh year, empty nest; when each child is born; the death of any parent/grandparent, and so on.

viii. How the parties will handle conflict and communication as the need arises.

ix. Any other aspect of maintaining a healthy relationship and family, including romance, spiritual life, career, and so forth.

c. Litigation/Collaborative Law/Mediation

i. In litigation, motions may need to be filed with the court under the counseling provisions of the family code pending new legislation.

ii Collaborative Law principles can be used. The lawyers will need to amend their participation agreement to call for the creation and fulfillment of a Reconciliation Law and Mediation contract.

iii. The lawyer may play the role of mediator, working directly with the couple or with their Reconciliation Lawyers present.

3. To Become a Reconciliation Lawyer or Reconciliation Mediator, Training shall be required:

a. general family law and in pre and post nuptial agreements, basic estate planning, financial management and relationship education. Collaborative Law training recommended.

b. interdisciplinary work with therapists; marriage, couples and relationship educators; financial and mental health professionals encouraged in more complex and sophisticated situations (e.g., divorce is looming).

4. If the couple is in crisis -

a. the lawyers and mediators manage the conflict and create “urgent accountability contracts or orders;" can work with the courts if temporary orders for reconciliation are needed.

b. Couples and family counseling; marriage intensives/other marriage and family education; financial coaches are recommended.

5. RL can be used in non-divorce settings (e.g., post divorced parents continuing to fight for custody and other control), to help judges and parent coordinators have parties be accountable for their commitments; estranged family members such as a father and son; in family businesses and any partnerships and/or in a probate situation, for example.

To sum up, Reconciliation Law and Mediation is a process whereby lawyers and mediators are committed by contract to the voluntary reconciliation process of married, other couples and significant relationships. The agreement can start at the beginning of the relationship or at any other time, including when the relationship is in crisis. (Note, if the court orders an involuntary reconciliation process, and Reconciliation Lawyers or Mediators are involved, then it is hoped that any abused persons in relationships will be protected or excluded). These lawyers and mediators shall assist in the preparation of agreements or orders for these relationships that hold parties accountable for their “action plans” to maintain and improve the relationship. These lawyers and/or mediators shall work with all allied professional, including mental health, financial, clergy and the judiciary. The ultimate key is that, based on the parties desire to explore reconciliation, these lawyers and mediators have dedicated themselves first toward the improvement of and reconciliation of the relationship; and secondly to any other legal pursuits only after the parties, with lawyers’ and/or mediators’ help, have given their best shot at fulfilling the Reconciliation Law and Mediation agreement."

Of course it helps to have completed a successful case recently and we look forward to training other family lawyers in the fall. Many thanks to all those who have supported me, including Maggie Russell, Erin Kincaid, Brooke Burnett, Michael Smalley, Barry Kilgore, the entire Smart Marriages movement, Dani Halliburton, and of course, my wife Minette and my 3 children.